


Slippin' Jimmy 'Til the Day He Dies

by glassneko



Category: Better Call Saul (TV)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, M/M, Poor Jimmy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 10:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5288021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glassneko/pseuds/glassneko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Back when Jimmy was still in the mail room and Hamlin was of course lawyering it up, they had a… fling.  Jimmy hesitates to call it a relationship, that would imply a level of emotional involvement that Hamlin was clearly incapable of.  And it’s not like Jimmy expected Hamlin to fall in love with a mail clerk.  But a mail clerk who worked his way up to being a lawyer?  Well, Jimmy guesses that business was a fool’s errand all the way through.  Hamlin didn’t care, his brother never cared, and he’ll just be Slippin’ Jimmy ‘til the day he dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slippin' Jimmy 'Til the Day He Dies

Back when Jimmy was still in the mail room and Hamlin was of course lawyering it up, they had a… fling. Jimmy hesitates to call it a relationship, that would imply a level of emotional involvement that Hamlin was clearly incapable of. And it’s not like Jimmy expected Hamlin to fall in love with a mail clerk. But a mail clerk who worked his way up to being a lawyer? Well, Jimmy guesses that business was a fool’s errand all the way through. Hamlin didn’t care, his brother never cared, and he’ll just be Slippin’ Jimmy ‘til the day he dies.

 

Howard hates himself at night. If he lets himself think about what he let happen to James McGill. Their stupid … fling. He won’t let himself call it anything else, because who does that kind of thing to someone they cared about? That fling had blinded him to the truth of how the world saw those who try to redeem themselves. Because Charles was Howard’s world back then. There was nothing he couldn’t do, and no one he’d be prouder to build a law firm with. They were unstoppable. When Charles got Jimmy that job in the mail room it only added to his respect. Here was a man who didn’t let someone’s past define their future. Someone who valued family and giving second chances.

He didn’t expect to end up in bed with Jimmy that was true. But the man’s wry humor always got to him when he was working late, and somehow, it was easy. Every time. They went home late together, or they’d stay in and watch television and order take-out. The epitome of convenience. Neither of them wanted more than that in their lives. Howard busy with his work keeping the new firm on the right tracks, and Jimmy, well Jimmy was busy too. Howard suspected that Jimmy was keeping a secret from them all when he started his degree, but he never would have guessed something so impressive as a law degree! And without any help! Surrounded by people he could have coasted on, could have wormed answers from, and he did it all by himself. He’d been ready to give Jimmy the job and take him out for a very public dinner date to celebrate. To maybe try a real – well. It doesn’t matter.

Chuck had other ideas. Chuck had a very specific idea of what was and was not appropriate for their firm. “We obviously can’t have a rotten, faggy swindler like that on our team.” Howard never knew if Chuck meant the slur or not – In three years, he’d never been brave enough to push the issue. He simply nodded, stunned.

“But, he must have worked pretty hard to do this while working full time. Don’t you think?”

“He’ll never understand what it means to respect this profession. He doesn’t respect anything, least of all the law. Nothing but a lazy scam-artist at his core. He would bring down everything we’ve worked to build.”

“But, Chuck. You don’t think he can change? I mean, this could be a new leaf.”

“Ha! You don’t know Slippin’ Jimmy. It would be a mistake, and that’s final.”

And Howard nodded again. He didn’t know what else to do.

 

Later he curses himself for his cowardice. Long after the dust has settled, and Jimmy is making his own way. He thinks up a million different things he could have said to convince Chuck to do the right thing. He runs it over and over again in his head. After a certain point, he just stops thinking about it. But underneath the surface it is a slow bleed on his relationship with Chuck. After a time, he realises that all that’s left of the respect he had for Chuck is respect for the man he used to be. And sometimes it kills him that that’s still enough. That the memory of the virtuous, humble man he thought he knew is enough to keep him working alongside him.

He’s grateful when Chuck stops coming in to work. It’s a drain on the company of course, but Howard feels lighter than he has in a long time.

And then when Jimmy comes up with the class action of a lifetime, all Howard can think is that maybe this is a second chance. And he doesn’t know why he still thinks that he wants Jimmy in an office down the hall, why he still thinks Jimmy might give him the time of day. Or why he even still wants it. He’s honestly proud of Jimmy too. This is good work. This is real work. He’s a real lawyer. Even Chuck will have to admit that now.

Then he gets that phone call. That midnight call from Jimmy’s phone. He almost thought that Chuck must have died, before he realised it was Chuck on the line, not Jimmy. And his head spins as he can’t believe that he’s back where he was before. 

It’s been three years and not a thing has changed. This time he desperately tries his rebuttals, he spits out every argument he can think of before Chuck drops the ultimatum. If Jimmy gets hired, he’s out. And if Chuck cuts and runs the whole firm goes with him. Hundreds of people out of work. Thousands of cases scattered to the winds and clients left high and dry. No two ways about it. And that’s that then. Howard plays the villain once more. He might as well have a cape at this point. 

But this time it’s not to protect Chuck. This time it’s to protect Jimmy. He’s worked so hard. He doesn’t deserve to know that it’s his own family keeping him down. 

And even that doesn’t work out. Jimmy walks into his office and it’s like watching a shell of the man he once knew. An empty suit that still has to get up and wade through the life that’s crashing all around him. There’s nothing Howard can say to fix it or make it better, and it’s eating him inside. He wishes he’d had the courage to tell Jimmy himself and to hell with the rest. But Jimmy would never have believed him anyway. Howard almost wishes that Chuck would kill the firm. At least then he could maybe get away from the constant reminders of the terrible thing they’ve done.

 

Jimmy hates the fact that he never stopped being attracted to Howard. Even when he thought the man was solely responsible for everything wrong in his life, he still sometimes brought himself off to thoughts of the other man. Although, maybe the shame of being with someone who thought so little of him was part of the turn-on. Jimmy supposed it could be. But more that, he knew, it was because it reminds him of a time back when he thought he was doing everything right, and things were finally on track. The only time in his life when he felt that he was right where he was supposed to be. He had his law degree, he was going to pass the bar, and he was going to show everyone in his life that he was worthy of them. Worthy to work alongside Chuck. His brother who could do no wrong. Worthy to be friends with Kim. And maybe even if he squinted, maybe even worthy to be with Howard. 

When they started fooling around he had no illusions about it. Howard was just in between wives, same as him. It didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t going anywhere. But he at least thought that Howard respected him as a person. Now he doesn’t even know what Howard thinks of him. 

It’s all kind of freeing, in a way. He doesn’t have to worry about gaining his brother’s respect, that’s a lost cause. He doesn’t have to worry about letting down his clients on his first major case, that’s out of his hands. And he sure as shit, doesn’t have to worry about whether or not Hamlin thinks he’s a piece of crap or not. 

As much as he tells himself that it doesn’t matter anymore, he finds himself re-analysing every word of their last encounter. Hamlin didn’t sound gloating. In fact, he almost seemed distraught by the whole affair. Not that Jimmy had been in a state to notice any of that at the time. He’d been trudging through water the entire day. Water rushing past his ears, dulling every sound. Water pushing against his legs, every step against the current. He’d say it was a miracle he didn’t cry, but he hadn’t even been close. Somewhere inside, the parts of him that mattered were drowning, struggling to just keep breathing, just stay afloat. He was too raw, until the wounds scabbed over, emotions were a luxury he couldn’t afford. And so he did what he had to do, he pushed through the motions and swam away from the sinking ship that was his life until he had made a raft from the wreckage.

Only looking back does he wonder if some of the other passengers looked like they wished they were with him.

Jimmy didn’t know Hamlin well. That much was laughably obvious. But he did know him a little. And he knew him at his most relaxed and unguarded. The look on Hamlin’s face when they said goodbye, likely for the last time, that was an expression Jimmy did not expect to recognise. Longing. And regret. Not like in his little speech, not that type of public-face bullshit, but real regret, the pang of missed opportunities. And now that Jimmy has feelings back, he briefly feels a bitter satisfaction that Hamlin was hurt, even the tiniest amount. And then Jimmy’s own sorrow and self-pity come flooding back, because if Hamlin felt regret, what potential future had he been thinking of? What role had Hamlin considered possible, and worth grieving for?

But that road was not worth travelling. He had to make a clean break or he’d lose himself completely in his losses. And he was not ready to give up yet. If there’s one thing Slippin’ Jimmy was good for, it was getting back up after a fall.


End file.
